Who will be my brother…

Is there anyone out there AT ALL…that will not shrink away from me in fear, that will not look at me and quickly look away with nervousness and fidgeting arms? Is there anyone that can see the gentle child behind these fangs…behind the eyes and inside the lines? The hands that stay in the pockets because they’re afraid to do something wrong?

I keep thinking that. How helpless do i have to appear in order to get a small smile or even a glance? Am I really that scary and rigid and fierce? Not nice or sweet enough to be your sister in christ? Do I just have a face that no one wishes to speak to? I’m not mean, not rude, I always respond with a smile or at least a smirk, so what is it then?! Why are you all afraid of me?! Where did I go wrong? what was my mistake? Even those that I know, even those that say “I’m alone, too” are most certainly not! They have their outings, their friends that may not be the best, but they at least have someone!!

Not even my dearest see me as their dearest. I don’t ask for much, but I can tell when someone feels uncomfortable, when someone gets offended. I don’t ask that you shower me with kisses and praise, I don’t wish for fanfare and constant affection…I just need a small bit.

Is it because I don’t change who I am? Is this why?

You all have your lives, you all are fine without me… and don’t you even dare to say otherwise— because I know. I clench my shirt as my heart tugs inside me when I see your smiles when I’m not there, both of you! You that are near and you that are far!

 My eyes burn as I see you embrace each other and invite each other for a get-together in the eve; my chest heaves when I feel the isolation mocking me with a seductive whisper—telling me that alone is all I will ever have.

One way I know that God truely exists…is that there is someone out there that can handle me. I have not met him or her yet…but they’re out there.

So please, don’t pity me—just be honest with me, tell me what you think of me—and I’ll take my leave without wondering what my error was.

My Shade is turning gray.